Doppler, A Roadies View

Rules of the road

First let me say I did not create these.

If you are a current touring roadie you should already know these. If you are thinking of becoming one......are you sure?


If you have personal issues, please leave them at home, or have the subscriptions canceled; most significantly, substance abuses of any kind. There's no room for them on the bus.

If you know you're going to have a problem getting into Canada, then you've done this before, and you should tell us now. It's bad enough that people have to go to Canada at all—don't make it worse by forcing them to hear your story during a four o'clock in the morning border crossing. If you know you're hiding this, then make sure you have several hundred dollars in your pocket and the airfare for your replacement.

The Production Office is the production's office, not yours. Your office is the million-dollar system you load in and out every day—hang out there instead, and see if there's a way to take better care of it, or make better use of it.

Do not use the production telephones for personal use. If you need something for yourself, then use your own phone.


The tour manager takes care of the band, and doesn't need to know what you think or need. The production manager takes care of the production and only needs to know what the production needs. The production assistant is your best friend, but that's supposed to be a well-kept secret, so don't act like it.

Do not ask the runners to do anything personal for you. If it's that important, then either take care of it on your days off, or ask the production assistant if you can put it on the runner's list. If you have to think about whether you want everyone to know about it, then don't bother—simply re-read the first sentence of this rule.

There is to be no sex, real or imagined, with the production assistant or merch person—male or female.


In every situation, please try and remember these two somewhat metaphorical tenets for a successful operation; they also work for relationships and other emergencies:

a. Clearly establish and respect your chain of command, lines of communication, and plan of attack before you embark on your mission.

b. Secure your base, establish your coordinates, and guarantee an escape route. (In other words, figure out the best location for your equipment placement, find the safest and cleanest route for all signal paths, and lay it all out for the most efficient load-out.)

Take care of the equipment as if it's your responsibility—it is. Saving 30 seconds on a load-out is not worth two hours the next day to fix a piece of gear, or $500 in Fed Ex charges to send you a replacement.

If you are assigned a walkie-talkie by production, be aware that a replacement will cost as much as you likely net in a week, and will be worth more than you.

Bring your own specialized tools. Only you know what it is you do. God knows we still can't figure it out.


Work as a collective team. If one person is working and you're not, then help him. If you're too stupid to add anything, then go to the bus—but let someone know where you will be. Sitting around telling the same boring road tales while everyone else is working will not make you the envy of anyone, but it could invite disdain from the crew.

If you are the designated crew chief, it's an acknowledgement of leadership, responsibility, and respect, not an elevation in job title. There is no extra pay in it. Someone's gotta do it. Would you rather have some other idiot telling you what to do?


Speaking of idiots, be sure you do an "idiot" check at the end of every load out—this is in addition to staring at yourself in the mirror for an hour wondering why you agreed to do this gig. Do not assume the local crew gives a damn about the gear only you know is yours. If you leave something behind, you'll know it before we do, so get it back immediately or your name will replace the word idiot above .

Do not offer strangers tickets or passes. They're not yours to offer. Besides, you're leaving town on the bus and won't get laid anyway, and if you already did—why bother?

Think twice before offering people you know, including family, tickets or passes. Remember how distracting and time consuming it is to wander around outside a venue before a show, worrying about anything but the show. And you shouldn't be having sex with relatives anyway.

Beware the three-week rule. That's when everyone has learned the show, takes it for granted, and starts focusing on each other's behavioral problems. You've done this before; so don't act like you're surprised at that time of the month. It's going to happen. Get over it. It is also when spouses and mates get bitchy at home. If you don't want to come home and find the toilet seat up, then either give them the attention and detail they deserve before you leave, or don't go on tour.

NEVER be late for a bus call. You will be oil-spotted at your own expense. The good news is, if you're late, you will provide the entire production an opportunity for a lifetime's worth of jokes-also at your expense.

If you find you cannot urinate standing up on a moving bus without redecorating the entire head, it doesn't mean you're a drunk or a sissy. Even rock stars do it sitting down.

Do not even consider going #2 on the bus, or someone will pull your head off and do it down your neck.

Do not leave your new "special friend" alone on the bus, or in your hotel room-ever. I guarantee you, when they are gone they will have taken a souvenir, which could easily be your wallet, or your job.

Do not lose or lend your bus key, or your laminate, to anyone—ever. The cost of replacing either is subject to a market price determined by the most ruthless, twisted, and relentless person available in production – haha we know who this is.

If there are long bus drives ahead, buy a book or some videos, or write letters to your loved ones telling them how much you miss them. Do not ask us to pay for a flight to the next destination. Besides, you might miss a great view of the country's heartland before some deranged extremists attempt to destroy it.

Always sleep in your bunk with your feet facing the front—everyone else does. There are a lot of boot lickers in this business, and you wouldn't want them to get confused in the middle of the night. And if you really don't understand this rule, then just take note of what it feels like when the driver slams on his brakes 10 times during the late night ride.

Avoid falling asleep in either the front or back lounges of the bus—unless you want to wake up with a face that looks like a tattooed princess from New Zealand. Everyone has a Sharpie!!!

If you have days off, do not consider taking off for home. You should've taken care of whatever is so urgent before you left. Instead, arrange for whatever it is to come to you, at your own expense, and don't expect any special considerations.

Do not whine; you are an adult, and hopefully a professional. It's not becoming, and you might invite a kind of sex you do not want.

When you check out of a hotel, always pay your incidentals or you'll become incidental.

You have agreed to a pay rate. Do not suddenly decide halfway through the tour that you're working too hard, or are too talented, for that pay. That is only the artist's prerogative. If you were an artist, then we would have met in some avant-garde art gallery sipping sissy wine.

All recordings of the show belong to the artist—again, you are not the artist. They should be clearly labeled and handed over to one designated person in production. Any material recorded on hard drives should be dubbed onto "safeties."

Do not bother apologizing. Enough time was wasted when you screwed up. Time would be better served drawing a map for yourself so you won't bother going that way again.

No matter how you feel about the music or the artist, remember the artist is always right, and is ultimately responsible for all of you. They have put their trust in you while "up there on the stage." If they weren't there, you would be home wishing you had a gig. Or worse yet, you might be flipping burgers.

Remember, the show's the thing and it's a composite medium. It only works if everybody does their best together. Keep in mind that the audience has possibly spent their only disposable income of the year for one night out. Make it worth it.

The stars are not our friends, they are our employers. "Close to the fire, first to get burned." If they know your name, guess who they're going to freak out on when something goes wrong? Also, it wouldn't be a bad idea to remember exactly who you work for.

These rules are ordered for reference—not priority. Whichever one you screw up first automatically becomes #1. Do not see this as a challenge for how many infractions you can accumulate in the length of the tour. You will not last that long.

If you learned anything new by reading this, then either you don't belong on the road, or you're new, and should keep your excitement to yourself. We advise you then, to look at it again and again in your bunk with a flashlight, as if it were a girlie magazine. If it gets you titillated, we don't want to know about it.

Be nice(not tour manager applicable), be great, and have fun.

Labels: Crew, Road, Roadies, Touring

posted by Doppler at 12:59 PM